In praise of human shields

August 4, 2006


I’m pleased to present my first Book of the Week: “Cooking Bacon Naked” by Stephen E Chatman.
If the back cover blurb doesn’t hook you:

MY RELATIONSHIP PAINS ME, BUT I STAY WHERE I AM. IF I WAS TO WALK AWAY, THE ONLY WOMAN I HAVE EVER LOVED WOULD GET BURNED. THAT’S COOKING BACON NAKED. UNDERSTAND?

Drinking, fighting, and cheating on her. Whatever! She’ll take him back like she’s done so many times before, right? As long as he can stay alive and out of prison long enough to prove he loves her.

Stephen, a connoisseur of 7-Eleven merlot and wild women, has the perfect life for a guy who is overloaded with prescription medications, suffering from rage and bipolar disorders, and on probation for the premeditated assault of a seedy porno producer. “…Red wine is served at room temperature and the floor around my bed is always room temperature.”

Liza, his off-again, on-again fiancée is the only good in his forsaken life. She is book smart, but street dumb and willing to do anything to break into show business. Her poster-girl good looks and country-girl gullibility made her a perfect target for Nikolai, an aged porn star turned porn producer. Nikolai has tricked Liza into believing she is just filming a raunchy soap opera. He allowed her to fake-sex her way through the first half of the film, leading her to believe that fade-to-black means no real sex.

Liza learns that in porn films, there are no special effects and the gooey white stuff isn’t dishwashing liquid mixed with baking soda. When she refuses to have real sex with the block-away ugly actor from a banned porn film called Really Big, she’s given a life-threatening ultimatum, and Stephen may be the only man who can save her.

the opening paragraph surely will:

All men want a more beautiful woman and if you say you don’t you’re lying because your woman is standing right next to you with her Marilyn Manson makeup and horror flick hairdo looking to you for approval. Hey, it’s not your fault; you warned her that her forehead was to big for that new haircut, but no, she forged ahead anyway.

Violence, sex, room-temperature wine, bacon and women with high foreheads.
You know you want it. (amazon.com)

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